Being a Victim, a fat Victim
My husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment. This is in fact the roughest time in our marriage that we have ever experienced. Which of course means that I am currently emotionally at the lowest point ever in my life, and I believe so is he.
We have met over 10 years ago, and since then things haven’t been easy for us. He is a very principled man, with a lot of hurt inside of him, who has temper issues, has made a lot of experiences, and who has great desires in his life that play a huge role in his mental and emotional stability. He is passionate, giving, a problem solver, an entrepreneur, and he went into this marriage believing that I can be a great partner. That he can go on an awesome life journey with me, and that I would have his back. Even though things haven’t been easy, and even though he has his shortcomings, such as being too critical at times, he has always seen potential in me and has continued to provide. He provided a home, room to grow, patience, and tools to utilize for my personal growth.
I myself am an emotionally unstable mess, who doesn’t provide any of the things he needs or desires. I am reactive instead of proactive. I lack commitment, drive, any sort of aspiration. I let my mental health issues stop me from going anywhere in my life. I am complaisant, defensive, and overall selfish in a way that his efforts, support, and good will are wasted on me.
I can honestly say that I am not sure why I got married, besides that I fell in love with an awesome man, and decided to marry him, to live life together. But here is the thing, just being alive together isn’t a marriage, we might as well be room mates. It is not a good marriage at least. I was so unaware then and throughout the last 10 years, that being in a relationship means a bigger commitment than just being loyal to that person. I had no real experience in being in a relationship prior to meeting my husband, and from a young age I have learned to be resilient and reactive, to have strong self-defense mechanisms, and to look out for myself. So this is how this all lasted for 10 years, how I “got away with it” for such a long time.
Now we have reached a breaking point. My husband’s supply of patience has run out, understandably, and he can no longer continue to bottle up all of his hurt. And I can no longer turn a blind eye to what it is that I am doing with my life. I have become a psychic vampire without realizing it, like a parasite. A parasite who on top of leeching away at my husband’s good will, also makes demands to be loved and cherished.
One could say that me being depressed and having PTSD is a reason why I am so immune to his positive influence, and at the same time so absorbent of his anger. I used to give that reason to defend myself a lot, but in truth, this is just an excuse. Maybe I have a good reason to be slow in change, maybe I won’t ever stop being over-emotional and sensitive, but being stuck at “Why are you so angry with me? I am depressed, can you not love me for who I am? It is so horrible for me when you don’t show me affection!” means being stuck in the role of the victim.
All he wants from me at this point is to DO SOMETHING. To only commit to the things I can really do and follow through, without being deceiving by promising too much and choosing to fail. To become in charge of my life, so I may contribute something to our partnership. This is not too much to ask for, especially not after all the grief my complacency has caused.
I am ashamed that it took me reaching our breaking point to see the big picture of how my behaviour is the core of our misery. I let me misery affect everything, I never did anything about it anymore, and I looked for blame outside of me.
The very same mechanics that are breaking my marriage are the ones that are prohibiting me from weight loss. It is easy to think that ones emotional agony would diminish once the weight comes off, but isn’t it obvious that this works the other way around? Nobody who is 100+ pounds overweight, is at that point by accident. Something triggers constant overeating, constant defeat, consistently choosing being comfortable over being in charge of ones life.
For me it is eating for comfort, because stuffing up my tummy fills an emotional void caused by abandonment and loneliness that happened in the past. The pleasure of the taste is the only pleasure left in my life that is easily available. It is the most prominent, the most immediate, but also the most superficial and short-lived. That is why one slice of pizza is not enough, I need more of that taste, I need it again and again.
Being fat and all the discomfort that comes with it, is a defense and distraction from other things that hurt. It is like saying, “Oh they don’t love me because I am fat, not because I am otherwise undesirable. Look, I am so unhappy because I am fat, not because I feel as though nobody acknowledges my struggles”. It is a layer of protection that is easy to maintain, and even though it causes more misery. It prevents me from looking inside to discover the real agony I am trying to numb. It is a shift in how I look at myself, where I place my burden. I can easily say I have low self-esteem because I am fat, when in reality I am fat because I had no self-esteem in the first place.
This journal entry is a lot longer and a lot more negative than what I planned to ever post on this blog. However, it is necessary. Like I said, I am not 100lb overweight by accident. The reasons are deep-seated and they affect my relationship to my husband. They affect everything I do, everything I feel I can’t do, and how I look at life itself. These reasons need to come to light, so they can be dealt with.
It is going to be a shit ton of work to get this weight off, which on the surface consists of eating right and moving my body, basically changing all my habits. But even more importantly, it requires me to discover my self-esteem. The reason why to fight for change. Why to fight against current behaviour and current circumstance, self inflicted or not. Discovering that there can be true good in life and fighting for it, for myself and for the person I chose to share my life with, instead of defending my comfort, or merely reacting to somebody else’s discontent with me.
If you know the why, then you can find the how.